Wife “23a” had multiple personalities from “a through t”, I never
met “23u” but I’ve no doubt that she was in there somewhere. 23a was a vibrant,
super fit tennis player with a zest for life that was electrifying to be with, she
was the most fun to be around and I consider myself very fortunate to have enjoyed
many hours of in her company. I could look into “23a”s eyes and any hint of
depression would be lifted, her ability to enjoy life was infectious and exhilarating.
23a could run about the tennis court for ever, she’d chase down any ball
determined to get a racket on it, she’d leave the court never knowing the
feeling of giving up a point. When out with friends or family "23a" was the personality that came out to shine.
Sadly “23b” wasn’t so much fun and when you saw “23t” she’d cause
confusion and self-doubt in an instant, there was a very dark side to “23g”
that was devious, selfish, untrustworthy and full of lies. Wife 23g was all
about 23a and anyone else didn’t matter. However when I think of the total
package I still have no regrets about meeting and eventually marrying wife “23”,
it was the best roller coaster I’ve ever been on but I can only have those
thoughts because of the way events conspired.
Unfortunately wife “23” was diagnosed with osteosarcoma cancer
at the age of 59. The first she knew about her problem was when a tumor was
discovered at the entrance to her left lung just after Thanksgiving. Eventually
this turned into a life sentence and after a battle of 16 months she died of
cancer related issues in a hospice bed.
In those last 16 months wife “23” managed to cram in so many
different events that they can’t all be covered in this post, a book or even a trilogy
of books. It was an amazing story of events and eventually I’ll be able to dissect
the circumstances and hope to write a definitive document about her departure
from this world.
There’s lots of things that happened that I don’t know about, things I don’t want to know about because wife “23” was taken over and dominated by her second son. To make matters worse he suffers from a diagnosed mental illness - acute separation anxiety, in short he missed his mom in the most extreme kind of way. Sadly “23g” surfaced for long dark periods at a time. The bright light in wife “23a”s eyes flickered and faded like a candle reaching the end of it's wick.
There’s lots of things that happened that I don’t know about, things I don’t want to know about because wife “23” was taken over and dominated by her second son. To make matters worse he suffers from a diagnosed mental illness - acute separation anxiety, in short he missed his mom in the most extreme kind of way. Sadly “23g” surfaced for long dark periods at a time. The bright light in wife “23a”s eyes flickered and faded like a candle reaching the end of it's wick.
“23a” was a vibrant super fit tennis player with a zest for
life that was electrifying to be with, she was the most fun to be around and I
enjoyed many hours of being in her company. It wasn’t the cancer that took away
“23a” but the treatment, specifically the chemotherapy, my wife became a victim
of chemo brain.
From the moment of her first infusion to the last seconds I spent with wife "23" I had only one brief fleeting moment with the girl of my dreams, she did a 3 second dance while holding on to her walking frame on the way to the bathroom. It’s a memory that is bitter sweet, a moment when wife “23a” was “back” and yet so sad that a once healthy, indestructible woman was reduced to shuffling along with a Zimmer frame. The chemotherapy had taken away her ability to feel the floor with her feet.
From the moment of her first infusion to the last seconds I spent with wife "23" I had only one brief fleeting moment with the girl of my dreams, she did a 3 second dance while holding on to her walking frame on the way to the bathroom. It’s a memory that is bitter sweet, a moment when wife “23a” was “back” and yet so sad that a once healthy, indestructible woman was reduced to shuffling along with a Zimmer frame. The chemotherapy had taken away her ability to feel the floor with her feet.
The diagnosis was devastating for everyone, my wife, her
siblings, her 3 sons, her friends and of course her husband. The reactions of people around wife "23" was
amazing and varid and now that I can look back and reflect on those terrible times unbelievable. Wife 23’s sons
were like headless chickens bouncing around trying to find the instant cure for
the loving mother that had been the one constant in their lives. Strange foods
had to be eaten, wheat grass cocktails drunk and certain exercises performed.
Of course these ideas seemed rational at the time, anything that gave hope was
adopted with zeal but it was the really big guns of radiation and chemotherapy
on which we pined the most hope.
The journey from 5 sets of tennis followed by a marathon and
then several hours of chasing grandchildren around the block to being unable to
walk 5 steps was swifter than the drop of a French guillotine blade. The “cure”
started with a course of radiation and then trips to the chemotherapy suite for
infusions of various mixes of highly toxic liquids.
Radiation proved to be spectacular because they managed to blast a hole through the tumor that was large enough for her left lung to become inflated and useful again. Within a few weeks she managed to start walking from the parking lots to the doctors offices without any help, sometimes arriving looking like the healthiest woman on earth. The radiation doctor was so excited at the results her team had achieved, she kept a copy of wife "23"s before an after radiation treatment scans. However deep inside her body things were not going well.
Radiation proved to be spectacular because they managed to blast a hole through the tumor that was large enough for her left lung to become inflated and useful again. Within a few weeks she managed to start walking from the parking lots to the doctors offices without any help, sometimes arriving looking like the healthiest woman on earth. The radiation doctor was so excited at the results her team had achieved, she kept a copy of wife "23"s before an after radiation treatment scans. However deep inside her body things were not going well.
Although officially there’s no “side effects” to radiation, the
treatment wasn’t without issues and the powerful rays that blasted the tumor
also secretly burned a hole in my wife’s esophagus which caused any liquids or
food digested to leak into the chest cavity. Of course we all know that cancer
patients don’t eat but it was only towards the last 3 months that the medical
team discovered that my wife had good reasons not to eat. Sadly attempts to
repair the hole in the esophagus proved to be unsuccessful and so reluctantly a feeding tube was fitted.
Have no doubts that I have nothing but admiration for the
medical team that took care of my wife, everyone involved was professional,
knowledgeable, respectful and somehow even managed to be cheerful. The nurses and nurse practitioners were exceptional, particularly in the infusion suite, if I had the misfortune to become ill the first thing I'd so is up the exact same team to be in my corner.
The first time I walked into a chemotherapy suite and saw 30 chairs full of people receiving infusions it absolutely took my breath away, this was just one small clinic in Atlanta and I wondered how many people in the whole world endured this kind of treatment while trying to continue with their life. With each and every visit I started to appreciate my own good health more and more, at the same time I started to feel guilty, I was an intruder in a room full of very personal experiences. Each patient had their own individual story.
The first time I walked into a chemotherapy suite and saw 30 chairs full of people receiving infusions it absolutely took my breath away, this was just one small clinic in Atlanta and I wondered how many people in the whole world endured this kind of treatment while trying to continue with their life. With each and every visit I started to appreciate my own good health more and more, at the same time I started to feel guilty, I was an intruder in a room full of very personal experiences. Each patient had their own individual story.
Visits from wife "23’s" children always ended with words of
encouragement, “keep it up mom”, “you have to fight”, “I’m there for you” and
the classic “I’ve got your back”!
The first time I heard someone tell wife "23" “I’ve got your back” I had the
strangest reaction, what did this mean in reality, what good did this do and what help was
this phrase to someone in the battle for their life. On the tennis courts it
makes some kind of sense, like saying you be aggressive at the net and I’ll cover the
back of the court but when someone is fighting for their life does the phrase
have any value at all?
Come to think of it what is the battle or the fight for your life? Certainly the doctors can prescribe many interesting and expensive treatments, many of which have sickening side effects and involve a lot of pain. Even now I don’t know how I’d react to a cancer diagnosis, would I want to undergo treatment and cling to any kind of life or would I prefer to accept my fate and let the dreaded disease take its course.
Have no doubts that wife 23 "fought the good fight", she'd try to walk the extra step, take a few extra deep breaths into her spirometer, she'd even tell me to park one floor up so that she had to climb at least one ramp. It was amazing to see her accept any new instruction, medication or procedure with such a positive attitude. However in the end even with her kryptonite strong will to live wife "23" told bedside visitors that she just wanted to die.
One of the strongest memories I have is the time that wife "23a" passed out while waiting for an elevator to take us to another doctors office. It wasn't a tree falling tumble more like the wilting of an under watered flower in the hot afternoon Georgia sun. The process started at the legs and was slow enough for me to gently grab hold of her skeleton like body and ease her down to the floor. When she came back to life she managed to whisper the words "you've really got my back".
That's my reality,
Jobsonian
Come to think of it what is the battle or the fight for your life? Certainly the doctors can prescribe many interesting and expensive treatments, many of which have sickening side effects and involve a lot of pain. Even now I don’t know how I’d react to a cancer diagnosis, would I want to undergo treatment and cling to any kind of life or would I prefer to accept my fate and let the dreaded disease take its course.
Have no doubts that wife 23 "fought the good fight", she'd try to walk the extra step, take a few extra deep breaths into her spirometer, she'd even tell me to park one floor up so that she had to climb at least one ramp. It was amazing to see her accept any new instruction, medication or procedure with such a positive attitude. However in the end even with her kryptonite strong will to live wife "23" told bedside visitors that she just wanted to die.
One of the strongest memories I have is the time that wife "23a" passed out while waiting for an elevator to take us to another doctors office. It wasn't a tree falling tumble more like the wilting of an under watered flower in the hot afternoon Georgia sun. The process started at the legs and was slow enough for me to gently grab hold of her skeleton like body and ease her down to the floor. When she came back to life she managed to whisper the words "you've really got my back".
That's my reality,
Jobsonian
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