Wife 23, or "the predator" as my friends would call her, had two black Labradors when she first moved in and
started to live with me. These two dogs appeared to be almost identical but their
character couldn’t have been more different. KC, the eldest dog by two years,
was kind of stand offish, aloof and very rarely showed any need for affection
or gave any affection unless you had food in your possession. The youngest dog Chance
was a lover, constantly giving and wanting to receive affection even if you
didn’t have any treats in your hand.
When I got home from work Chance would be at the door
wagging her tail and very excited to see me, minutes later after hearing the
noise of their food bucket open KC would turn up and wait for her bowl to be
filled. Sometimes I thought I saw KC nod her head to say thanks but deep down I
knew this was just a figment of my imagination. As a child the only pet I’d
ever had was a hamster and so I was quite inexperienced with regard to living
with man’s best friend, never mind two of them.
My first meeting with the dogs didn’t go that well, both KC
and Chance spent the first 15 minutes barking and snarling at me. Like any
brave Yorkshireman I stood my ground and tried not to show fear, eventually
they gave up and went back to their couches. I must admit that I wasn’t too
impressed with the way I was left to face the music by my eventual wife. At the
time I concluded that this was some kind of test or initiation process that I
had to endure.
When KC did gave some affection it felt wonderful, it was so rare that it was memorable and in many ways meant more than anything Chance could give. Of course this feels wrong, why should affection from a cold heart mean more than affection from someone who always gives affection all the time? In many ways I had the same problem with my two daughters, I enjoyed a fabulous warm and loving relationship with my youngest child Emma but for many reasons including my own fault I’ve never had anything like the same deep affectionate exchanges with my eldest child. While Emma could be very demanding and needy, I’d give anything to face that kind of problem again. Looking back now I probably took Emma’s kind and caring nature for granted, unfortunately I won’t get a second chance to correct that stupidity.
One Friday I’d just returned to the USA after spending 3
months in Denmark due to issues with my USA work visa. When I got home my old
Jeep Laredo and even older Jeep Wrangler wouldn’t start due to what I thought
was battery issues. Eventually I managed to get the Jeep Laredo going but even
after driving around and attaching a battery charger overnight any attempt to
start the car couldn’t be guaranteed to be successful.
My mixed tennis team was having an end of season party on
Saturday, I was looking forward to seeing my friends again. Since the venue was
in the next neighborhood after making certain my AAA card was valid and in my
possession I decided to risk taking the Laredo. Over the 3 months I’d been away
I’d kept in touch with a few friends via a group email, after one of these
exchanges a lady who was single sent me an individual mail. Unknown to me at
the time this was the start of my relationship with the “the predator” or wife
23 as she eventually became.
The emails between “the predator” and me hadn’t been
romantic in nature and so I walked into the party without any expectation of any
kind of relationship starting. In fact previously I’d never had a one on one
conversation with “the predator” but that was about to change. The party was
fun and I enjoyed circulating and playing games with my friends, it was the
perfect way to catch up. In a break between games I was refreshing my drink in
the kitchen when “the predator” approached and we started talking about our
mails, eventually she double checks to see if we are alone and then asks me
what I’m doing later. Since it was already 1:00 AM in the morning I said I’d be
going home, “the predator” slipped me a piece of paper with her phone number
and address and informed me that I might want to grab a night cap at her house.
Obviously experienced in these matters she told me that we should leave the
party separately, that she was going to leave soon but I should follow after 30
minutes or so.
I was like a deer in headlights, not knowing what to expect
but hoping that things could get interesting. In the course of the evening I’d
had several beers, while I felt sober the reality was that I could have been on
the very edge of failing a potential breath test. I watched “the predator”
leave with her friend and shortly after that the party started to break up. My
heart was pumping with excitement as I jumped in my car and turned the ignition
key but disaster followed as I heard “clunk” rather than the purr of the 4.0L
engine kicking into action.
Trying not to panic I tried again and again, sometimes the
engine turns over and sometimes it doesn’t but it never showed any sign of bursting
into life. By this time most people have left but one friend offers to take me
home, I couldn’t tell him how important it was to me that I was able to drive
away in my own car. Each time I tried to start my car the friend became more
and more persistent that he should take me home saying that we could deal with
the problem in the morning. Inwardly I just wanted to scream but I had to try
and remain calm so that nobody would become suspicious of my situation. Then
just before I’m about to give up, there’s a huge backfire and the Laredo engine
starts to show signs of life, it started with a non-rhythmical chuga chug chug
and then after another backfire it settles into a normal running sound.
From the depths of despair to elation in just five seconds.
My friend even commented that I seemed happy but he’d no idea how happy I really
was! This was back in the days before GPS and so my first task was to drive
home and MapQuest the predators address. Since I’m a smart Yorkshireman I left
the Laredo running when I went inside, I could hear the car on idle from the
computer room and 10 minutes later I was on my way. It was about 01:45 by this
time and I was hoping that this would be the last driving I’d be doing that
night. While I wasn’t exactly driving like I stole it I was making haste to my
destination, then I noticed that I had a police car behind me. I lifted off the
accelerator and dropped 4MPH below the speed limit, when I checked the mirror
there was no flashing lights and the police car was pulling out to overtake me.
My car needed gas and I had to turn left into the nearest gas station which was
going to be difficult because the police car was alongside me and the passenger
was “observing” me.
I didn’t know what to do, several minutes passed as we drove
side by side and then we reached the lights where I needed to turn left. On the
dash my gas low light was flashing, I couldn’t risk driving any further and so
I decided to tell the officer about my dilemma when we were stood at the red
light. He told me to turn left in front of him when the lights went green and
that’s what I did but the police car followed me, I thought I was doomed to a
breath test and consequent death by electrocution. I was so relieved when the
police car continued driving straight when I turned into the gas station. Again
I kept the car running and performed a dangerous splash and dash rather than
wait for the entire tank to be filled.
Fortunately the rest of my journey was incident free and I
arrived at “the predators” lair ready and willing for anything.
After I’d been to the lair four or five times the two dogs
actually seemed pleased to see me. One time when we were on the phone the
predator mentioned that her dogs liked me and I told her that they actually
like me more than her. The predator declared that we’d test that theory in the
evening, I’d go into one room and she’d go into the other and we’d see who the
dogs followed. Previously I’d overheard a conversation about the wonderful
powers of a dog food called Bil-Jack, it’s a frozen dog food and that evening I
prepared for my visit to the lair by rubbing my legs with Bil-Jack and also
filled my pockets with the dog treat.
When I walked through the door I secretly gave the dogs a
small treat of Bil-Jack and they got very excited. Then the predator said that
we should go upstairs, I should go in the back bedroom and she would go in the
front bedroom. She was so angry when both dogs followed me into the back
bedroom, she couldn’t believe what had happened. I told her that some people
were dog people and some just didn’t have the dog thing going for them, this
didn’t help improve her mood. By now the two dogs were jumping up and down
against me, they could smell the Bil-Jack in my pockets and it was time to
reveal my trickery when I gave them a handful of the dog treat each. The
predator was so relieved to see that I’d had to resort to bribery to get her
dogs into my room.
That’s my reality,
Jobsonian
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